Robbie Grewal and Kookie Gulati’s “Jewel Thief: The Heist Begins” is one of the most insufferable films to emerge in recent times. There are bad films, and then there’s something like this, which throws you into existential angst. Has Hindi cinema sunk this low that such capable actors have to do such films — joyless and overtly manufactured and deathly silly-to continue their careers. This film is one of those that everyone involved would likely distance themselves from just a few years down the line. Other than a great offer of money, no other reason justifies anyone choosing to star in this film, especially Saif Ali Khan and Jaideep Ahlawat.
One is an impossible-to-nab world-class thief, the other a dishonourable art collector with an appetite for grotesque violence and swindling. Khan’s Rehan Roy purports to give up on his thieving when he’s contacted by his helpless brother, who says their father has been robbed of a ton of money. The father disowned Rehan after an ugly spat when he came to discover Rehan’s shady pursuits. Rehan insisted that if they hadn’t all been so noble like his father, their mother would have had a better operation without a financial crunch. Hence, Rehan had long detached himself from his family, living abroad.
Once again, returning to India, Rehan realizes he has to partner up yet again with Ahlawat’s Rajan Aulakh, who was the one swindling the father. The deal is to steal some expensive African diamonds. What could have been a breezy heist caper turns quickly dull and is almost dead on arrival. To make a heist film work, the thefts and escapes should hold some intrigue, credibility, and a breadth of sustained tension.
Each is sorely missing here, replaced by blunt exposition, reams of explanation as if you can’t comprehend the level of smarts on display. Every simple machination is made out to be complex and oh-so-clever. Khan just looks dashing, and Ahlawat seems to be vibing with bloodshot, hulking demeanour, but neither can make this film even half-bearable.
The film is absolutely indefensible because it’s so damn boring. None of the characters, conflicts, and hard decisions are remotely persuasive. Everyone struts around with a lazy confidence, yet also sleepwalks through scenes. It’s an odd combination that sinks the best, reliable actors. When the script itself is so wonky and irretrievable right from the start, how much can time-tested suaveness save the day?
It’s the kind of film that makes you wonder how on earth it got greenlit and has landed a spot on a streamer, with two solid actors at the forefront. A spectacular waste of time and resources, it’s as criminally boring as thinly rendered. Characters are cartoonish, flirtations perfunctory, daring, and danger impossibly weary. You don’t so much wonder how the stunts will be pulled off as you just want everything to fold up and things to end.
Con dramas should at least be fun and racy and have a satisfying bite. That’s lacking here, which is mostly a clueless bundle of sloppy twists designed to wrest you to the seat. This film globe-trots, gets on planes, and hands out action, but it all feels limp, purposeless, and meandering.
It’s a slog to see a film with ostensible slickness waste away on plot lines that seem straight out of ditched scripts. It’s one thing to mount a mindless actioner, quite another to make something that’s as consistently plodding, uncreative, and downright excruciating as this. The namesake classic must shiver in its grave at an association with this. Gangster’s younger wife gets to prove her hidden mettle as some sort of final saving grace. There’s no edge to a character; simply, vapid types are doled out.
Where are the stakes, that creeping feeling when operations seem poised to fail, and things go astray when you least expect it? “Jewel Thief: The Heist Begins” has no interest in being a sharp thriller, content only to be workmanlike and just sluggish at that. It has no energy, not an ounce of stylish wit or sass that can make its length tolerable. It overstays its course and never gets a pass to whip out some measure of engagement. So, when twists are hurled, they barely land.
